Wicky Wicky, The Wild Wild West Y'all

Dear Brianna,

I am 21 years old now, which means I am legally able to question the universe. I have taxed myself for many hours over what my first, and obviously most important, question will be, and it’s been an uphill battle, but I think I’ve finally chosen which horse to ride...

Where have all the Cowboys gone?

First of all, where did Paula Cole go? And secondly, she has a point. I would like to meet a Cowboy. A REAL Cowboy. I have visited the "wild west" only twice in my life for very short periods of time, so I assume that’s reason one why I have never come across a try blue cow slinging hunk, but for real…where are they?

Is there no market left for Cowboying? Are there no more saloons in which to “ruff up?” Are Horses not used as a main form of transportation anymore? Are there no more people left to save???

Now, I know there are lots of men out there who BELIEVE they are Cowboys, but true chap-wearing men don't travel in cow-ropeing circuses. And, they also don't pose in calenders with their shirts off.

We need REAL Cowboys! Remember when they policed this country? Wasn't it great? Let's go back to a simplier time when women weren't judged for leasing out their kittens, and beers never spilled when slid down a wooden bar. Bar doors swung freely and priests didn't (openly) diddle little boys.

It’s a sad world out there. There is a terrible war that we instigated in a country that is already fighting with itself. Al Gore says the world is losing it's hair. The Euro is TRUMPING the dollar. Britney lost her kids. This world is in so much shit, and we've used all our savior resources. The only people left to call on are the Cowboys.

So here it is, straight shooters. We need you. We need your five o'clock shadows and your cowhide clothing. We long for your shadows on the dusty ground and your rotting teeth. We can no longer live without your gruff voice and sexist ways.

Come back to us Cowboys!

Love,

Katie

She works hard for her money.

Dear Katie,
I wish I could write something super insightful about the writer's strike, but all I keep coming up with is that I want to go back to work. As you and most of our readers know, I have been stuck in bed fighting a case of mono that just won't quit, and now that I am feeling well enough to return to my glamorous job as a cue card assistant, I still can't go.
I can't help but think that this is an act of fate. Perhaps I haven't recovered enough, and shouldn't be working yet, and the strike is just a way to keep me from getting sick again. However, reality says that this is definately not the case.
As a writer in the very VERY beginning stages of her career, working on her 30 Rock spec, and soaking up all she can, I fully support the WGA in their fight to get the proper compensation for their work. However, as a girl who has spent the last two weeks in bed watching crappy reality TV, I can't bear to think that soon all original programming will cease, leaving reality TV as my only option.
If I have to watch one more episode of A Shot at Love, America's Most Smartest Model, Run's House, or Pageant Place, I think I am going to kill myself. Even I Love New York has gotten ridiculously...ridiculous...and I totally checked out during last night's episode of The Hills. What kind of world is it where New York and Lauren Conrad can't keep my attention? Okay...I know...a good one, but still. As much as I hate to say it, the only show that I think has any sort of promise is Keeping up with the Kardashians, and the E! channel rarely repeats it.
Tomorrow was supposed to be my big day back to work. Seth freaking Green was scheduled as a guest, and he would walk right past me, sense something behind him, turn around, and propose marriage as I sat trying to keep my cool backstage. Now, this won't happen. The strike won't be over, and I will be stuck staying at home and watching re-runs of The Girls Next Door instead.
So listen, AMPTP, I want you to stop being such meanies, sit down with the WGA, and figure this whole thing out. The reason us writer folk are so passionate about these issues is because writing and going to work is what makes us happy. We don't want to have to put production on hold, keep tons of people out of work and force America to watch bad television, we just want to earn an appropriate salary.
I beg of you, no more drama, end this shiz, and let me go back to work...please.