Katie and Brianna: Heterosexual Life mates

photo We're not gay but we're meant for each other, baby

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Goodbye FluffyWhippedChocolateInABar Road

Dear Brianna,

While you were out traveling the world by accident I've been at home, all alone, listening to Ruben Studdard's remake of Westlife's "Flying without wings" on repeat. WHY would I do that, for three weeks straight, no less?

Well, since you asked, I've been nursing a heartache. WHY is my heart broken you ask, while taking a sip from a giant Slurpee? WELL, since you are full of so many questions and diet coke Slurpee, I will explain the whole situation. But I will NEVER TALK ABOUT IT AGAIN, so listen good.

3 Musks and I broke up.*cry cry cry Everybody's looking for that something one thing that makes it all complete cry cry cry*

I know we always seemed happy. I know we went everywhere together. I know that he was the only man I thought of when I went in 7-11 for a snack. I know, I know. But a good connection does not a happy relationship make.

Four weeks ago I went on a date with 3 Musks like every Tuesday afternoon. I went to the corner store by my apartment, we met up and I took him back to my place. We sat down, put on some Fleetwood Mac on vinyl, turned on The Real World and put it on mute, opened up a nice issue of Entertainment Weekly, made some coffee, changed into sweats and got comfy on the couch. But then, he started getting fresh. I started to take off his "clothes," peeling back a corner first like always (he likes to lightly jog coming out of the gate) and when I went to take my first "bite" my teeth started hurting! Like, really bad hurting! Like taking a swig of cold diet Snapple with lemon after you've just eaten a giant spoonful of hot shrimp bisque!

"Ouch!" I yelled. He apologized, making that sweet face that he always does when he's in trouble; I can't say no. So I tried to bring the mood back up to speed by taking off a little more "wrapping." He seemed to like it; he was practically melting in my hand! I went in to take a little love "bite" and it happened again! It felt like drinking really hot coffee right after eating ice cream! "Shit!" I yelled. "You can't keep hurting my teeth like this! It isn't fair after all I've done for you! Why can't men just give back what women give them? Is it so hard to just not hurt me???" He tried to explain himself saying that "I have sensitive teeth" and the consistency of the whipped chocolate inside was what was "bothering" my teeth because of the "temperature" of the bar. Bullshit excuses! I took him right in the kitchen, sealed him in a Ziploc bag and put him right in the freezer where he belongs. We haven't spoken since.

Stupid me! Stupid, weak, lonely me! I thought he would change. I thought he COULD change. But alas, another CHUNK of my life wasted. God, I was so young when we met. I was only 5'9, 8 years old. My vision non-blurry, with my caffeine addiction just beginning to peek around the corner. It's weird to think we were together so long. Like, he's been there always and now he's gone. What am I gonna do when the nights get long and I'm "hungry" for a "snack?" Who is gonna sit with me on the bus to the L-train in the morning? Who will read David Sedaris' new book with me? *sob sob sob You've got to fight for every dream 'cuz who's to know which one you let go would have made you complete sob sob sob*

Maybe I'll never get over him. Maybe I'll be alone for the rest of my days. But you know what Ladies? I'm better off. I am BETTER off being a strong, independent WOMAN. I am BETTER OFF without terrible teeth pain.


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