Katie and Brianna: Heterosexual Life mates

photo We're not gay but we're meant for each other, baby

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Goodbye to you

Dear Brianna,

As you celebrate your 23rd birthday this Thursday (which I am missing because I'm an asshole) I realize that my 21st is fast approaching.

Most people turning 21 have already planned big "to-dos" such as week long drug and alcohol benders in Las Vegas, 24 hour orgies in rented beach homes on the Jersey shore, or just plain drinking until they pass out in some awesome bar. Now I say most people because I am not included in this lump of fun loving 21 year olds. I am terminally boring.

Now I know you're at your computer reading this and shouting aloud "No! No! You're far from boring! You stay out late and go to parties some times!" but stop yourself for a moment and remember those times I've left parties early to go home and watch television that I own on DVDs and could watch any time, or the time I skipped my prom to watch the Cameron Diaz repeat of SNL that wasn't even that good.

Besides the occasional law breaking activity, I rarely do anything "on the edge" or "daring." I've never snuck out of a house, I've never broken curfew without calling my mom first to tell her I would be late, I've never been in a fight, I've never failed a class (or been off the dean's list since having been in college), I've never just hopped in a car and driven somewhere just because, I've never gotten a speeding ticket, I've never walked up to a random person and just started talking to them, I've thrown up from drinking only twice in my life, and I've never even been out of North America. You are now offically asleep.

The crazyest thing I've ever done is getting my tattoo, but I called my parents first, I was not drunk, I researched the parlor, and the tattoo represents my family's struggle with cancer. I also went to senior week after high school, and was stranded there because the girl who drove us was a tad unstable and decided to go home early and leave us with nothing but a note. SNORE!

I'm pissed at myself that I haven't taken more risks in my life thus far. At dinner parties, I find myself mute, or struggling to pull moderately strange stories out of my ass. I want to be the person with the stories! I want to tell people about the hooker I met in Mexico that I paid to come have dinner with me, eventually convincing she should quit the "biz" and go back to school. Or the time I got a flat tire in Arizona and had to walk 15 miles to a gas station that, turns out, never really existed. I'd even settle for some crazy concert stories. I'm so boring!

This is where you, more adventurous people of the world, come in. I am looking to you for suggestions.

I'm up for anything, just as long as it isn't something that will obviously kill me (crazy amounts of drugs, jumping off of surfaces without protection, etc...) or something that will compromise me being able to look my children in the eyes when they're old enough to find out about my past (videos, etc...).

I want some stories to tell my grandchildren when I'm old and unable to entertain them with reading (i will most likely be blind). I want tales of risk and heroism and just plain crazytown!


Leave suggestions in the comments. And don't be an asshole (men) and say something like "butt sex" because no matter how much you think ladies like it, it's usually just for you.




At 12:53 PM, Anonymous ari said...

butt sex.

At 12:53 PM, Anonymous ari said...

butt sex.

At 1:22 PM, Blogger Corey Brown said...

I will fight you on your birthday.

Furthermore, you should give Ari butt sex.

At 6:57 PM, Anonymous jamiecwylie said...

You could combine all of your ideas into slap-fighting a drunk hooker in Mexico, then convincing her to go back to school while speedily putting together the shrine of the silver monkey.
This covers your need for travel, danger, heroism, and butt-sex not involving you.

This is also the plot of the 4th "Indiana Jones" movie so don't give it away.


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