Old Jewish farts fart Jews a lot.

Dear Katie,
That guy was a DOUCHEBAG, but in happier news, I finally know what I want to be when I grow up. I want to be an old Jew. I am very qualified for the position of an old Jew for the following reasons:

1)Feeding people is a hobby of mine--chopped liver, gefite fish, matzo ball soup, ruggelah, mandel brot--I can cook it all. Whenever a friend of mine is looking thin, having a bad day, or bored, I am always ready to give them sustenance.

2) I am willing to sit in the dark. If there is a problem that requires people helping me, I would much rather sit and suffer than make them go out of their way. I can also make them feel guilty while doing it.

3) Florida is my favorite.

4) Early bird specials don't bother me too much. I am always looking for a bargain, and if that means eating way before the sun goes down, bring it on.

5) I am wearing a belted sweater dress, reminiscent of Dorothy Spornak as I type this.

6) Yiddush is like a second language to me. A second language that I know about ten words of. I can put a yiddush word into every other sentence to make me know what I am talking about. If this is a problem, I can take courses at the Jewish Community Center to improve my skills.

7)My grandparents were "snowbirds" for a very long time, moving to Florida permanently from their "adult community" in New Jersey when I was ten. Spending time with them meant that I was constantly surrounded by old Jews that I now aspire to emulate.

8) I'm Jewish. Duh.

If anyone requests a more complete resume, or references, I am working on them as we speak. This is turning from a crazy career idea to something that could really happen. I'll keep you posted on my path to becoming an Old Jew. In the meantime, I'm gonna go play shuffleboard and eat some pickled herring.
Love,
Brianna