Katie and Brianna: Heterosexual Life mates

photo We're not gay but we're meant for each other, baby

Saturday, February 25, 2006


Dear Katie,
The average woman in America is a size twelve, and I am not affraid to admit to our millions of readers that I fit into this statistic. Pun most certainly intended. After enjoying a beer with some friends at The Peculier (I don't know why it is spelled with an E) Pub in the East Village, two friends and I decided to splurge on a cab ride home. Both of my friends are petite, sassy looking ladies, and while I am sassy looking myself, I don't share the same svelte frame. There were no cabs in sight, and the bitter cold wind was hitting us in gusts strong enough to make even me lose my balance.
A cab pulled up with the window open, and an ugly, chubby guido (sorry Italian readers) leaned out and yelled, "Hey ladies! Two of you are pretty, but the other one is FAT!" It took me a moment to realize that I was the fat one because the only times I have been referred to as fat are by my mother or my interior, self-concious dialogue. Before I could do anything, my one friend started yelling at the guy, calling him a cuntbag. All I could do was yell, "Go home and puke on yourself while you're NOT getting laid," as the cab pulled away. If I could pick any moment in time to go back to, I would go back to that one and punch him in the face. Right in his big, ugly, bulbous nose.
I don't want this entry to turn into a montage from a chick flick, with me saying how I am a beautiful intellegent girl, and it doesn't matter what some ugly drunk fuck has to say about me, but I can't help but feel a little discomforted by the whole situation. It is amazing how quickly another person, a stranger even, can bring you down from a ten to a zero in a mere thirty seconds. I guess it was only a matter of time before something like this happened to me. You can't walk around being chubby these days without someone having something to say about it, however I don't want to know what you have to say. So Mr. Guido, I hope you are fucking your mom right now, because she is the only person that will ever love a worthless piece of shit like yourself.

PS- Sorry about the Wayne Newton, Steven Segal mixup. After a certain amount of plastic surgery and botox, people start looking alike.


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